As parents of preschoolers or one who spends time with them, you may be at a loss for how to deal with preschool temper tantrums. Using the following ideas may give you the tools you need to deal with temper tantrums effectively and have a better behaved child, too.

Why do preschoolers have temper tantrums in the first place? You expect toddlers to have them when they’re unable to communicate their wants or needs, but preschoolers should be past that, shouldn’t they? Actually, understanding why a preschooler has tantrums can be the first step in knowing how to deal with them.

Preschoolers are toddlers with a year or more life behind them, so it’s not unusual for them to have tantrums for the same reasons. Those reasons include:

* Being tired due to too much activity
* Being hungry while on the go
* Not getting what they want when they want it
* Being angry or frustrated
* Feeling neglected and wanting attention
* Wanting to be able to do things for themselves but not being able to yet

How you handle temper tantrums now may play a large part in how your preschooler acts when he or she gets older. Incorrect handling could very well lead to behavior problems in the future. While having tantrums is a normal part of your preschooler’s development, how you choose to react and deal with them is entirely up to you.

No matter how embarrassing your preschooler acts in public, don’t give in to them. It’s important for them to learn that a melt down is not the way to get what they need and or want. You’ll also want to be sure to tell them you love them and you’re telling them “no” for a good reason.

Try to do your best to stay cool during this trying circumstance. Tell your child you understand they are frustrated, hungry, or tired. Ask them to calm down and help you decide how to work it out. They need to know you’ll listen and that you want to help them learn to deal with their own frustrations. If they calm down, give them a toy you brought from home to distract them until you can finish what you’re doing.

You can model good behavior for them by not losing your cool or raising your voice, no matter how much you might want to. If you can remain calm in the face of a preschooler in the middle of a meltdown, your demeanor may calm them down, too. Reacting poorly yourself may encourage the child to throw more tantrums because it shows their behavior will elicit a response.

Remove the child from the location if you have to, even if that means leaving a full buggy of groceries at the front of the store. (You can tell them you’ll be back when your child has calmed down; maybe they won’t restock everything while you’re gone.) Put your preschooler in their car seat and tell them you won’t go back into the store until they calm down and can act politely. Then sit with them quietly and calmly until their mood improves.

As a parent or caregiver of a preschooler, you want to know how to deal with their temper tantrums. Remember to bring along a snack or something for your preschooler to do if you’re going to be away from home for a while. This may help you avoid a temper tantrum which is better than having to deal with it.

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Ever wondered what to do when you are an attached, respectful parent and you refuse to spank but yet you are at your rope’s end with one of your kids?

I just had to repost this chain email I got on an AP group:

Tough Love vs. Spanking – Good Argument

Most people think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of those moments.

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Disclaimer: In case you are not quite sure what humor is… please be advised that this is satire and not meant to be taken seriously!

Encourage independence, watch your kids blossom into cheerful workers, reward performance, and get a little help around the house with the Magnetic Responsibility Chart. It includes 134 wooden magnetic pieces to help your kids reach their goals.

I bought two of these charts about a year ago for my two oldest kids and we LOVE them! It is a magnetic chore/responsibility chart that encourages independence and responsibility. It is really easy for children to understand even young children that can’t yet read. Basically you have spaces along the left side for chores or goals and then corresponding spaces for every day of the week. It offers a variety of chores and positive behaviors on magnetic pieces that kids love. They are actual chores like set the table or make your bed and then there are goals like no hitting and use the potty. There are plenty of different ones to choose from, suitable for all ages, and there are blank ones so you can customize.

If the goal is met or the chore is accomplished that day the child gets a reward button such as a star, a heart, a flower, a trophy, a bear, and many others. The right side has a section for even more magnetic buttons that show the results of the goal or chore set at the end of the week. I imagine this would be were you could write out a reward or incentive they receive, like allowance. The chart is also a dry erase board and you can write on it as well. It is simply outstanding and its bright colors and adorable pictures mean kids love it to. It can be folded for easy storage and it has a sturdy strap so you can hang it on a wall. The only feature missing is a snap closure so you can snap it closed while it is hanging so that little brother or sister can’t reach it and grab the magnets and run off with them! This is a very helpful product!

Where to Buy: Amazon.com

Part of disciplining a child is about setting boundaries and also about contributing to the healthy development of your child’s character and value system.  As your child gets older and starts to assert his character, you may need to have some patience in order to adequately address disciplining situations.  Remember every word or action you communicate to your son or daughter has a distinct impact on their perception of you and your relationship.  Your words and actions also influence the character development of your child.  Disciplining without a doubt is a serious and important part of your childrearing responsibilities. 

Gentle discipline advocates emphasize patience, firmness and consistency and do not condone physical punishment since the goal is to teach reason, boundaries and sound judgment and to discourage violence.

When your older child misbehaves it is suggested that you acknowledge his growing ability to talk and express his feelings.  Perhaps a calm discussion about the problem or behavior in question is the best way of getting at the problem.  If both of you are not calm, delay the discussion until you are calm. Then try again. When children feel they’re being heard and understood they’re more inclined to follow expectations in the future.

Sometimes older children just need to better understand why a rule is put in place.  Take the time to explain why a certain rule was made and discuss the potential dangers or implications of behavior that violates that rule. 

Be consistent in the way you discipline and make sure the penalty fits the digression.  If kids think they are being treated unfairly they’ll likely rebel and take no new lessons away from the disciplining experience.  Consistency and fairness are very important to older children.

Pick your battles.  Many older children and teens will try to push their boundaries as part of their “biology” and their desire to be their own person, separate and distinct form Mom or Dad.  Boundary pushing can be frequent or infrequent.   Depending on your child and the degree of the violation, you may want to pick your battles.  If you are constantly disciplining your teen you may eventually lose effectiveness or even a decent relationship with this child.  Allow your child some elbow-room on things that aren’t critical to their health and safety.  When it comes time for you to want to negotiate on an issue (e.g., you may not want your child to go to a certain place or friend’s house) perhaps you will negotiate better if you have previously made allowances in earlier situations.

Don’t threaten to give up on your child.  Many parents of older children will say this and if we believe that we are helping to build character and confidence in our children these kinds of threats are not helpful.  Your child should never think that you would for one second give up or withdraw your love or protection.

Be positive, listen to your children, set reasonable boundaries that are clearly explained and be consistent in the way you respond to behavioral issues.  Your child is paying attention to your response and may even repeat your disciplinary actions when he has a child of his own.  With that in mind don’t respond in a way that you wouldn’t want repeated.  The easy response is to yell or lash out.  The harder response is to discipline with respect for the child and with authority that can’t be mistaken. Raising and disciplining older children isn’t an art or science, but it is a responsibility that takes patience and love.  

Consensual Living or CL is based on the notion individuals in relationship with each other can exist in a way that avoids conflict through fair and democratic recognition of each others needs and effective communication.

CL is sometimes considered a parenting philosophy, where children are considered to have an equal say in family decision making.  This may either sound chaotic or unrealistic but by reviewing the principles of CL I think you’ll agree that it can form the basis for a family lifestyle that is not only balanced and nurturing but educational as well.

The main principles involved in CL are: equality, trust and self-determination.

Equality
In a family that has embraced consensual living, the principle of equality is very important.  What this means is that the thoughts, feelings and needs of each individual involved are equally valued and equally considered.

Each member of the community/family is not just considered equal they each must truly feel equal and that is an important distinction.

Trust
Direct, honest and sincere communication is an expectation of individuals choosing the consensual living lifestyle.  Each member of the family must trust that all members are being truthful when sharing their wants or needs or suggesting solutions to an issue or problem.

It is so important that in times of conflict, each member of the family trusts that together the family will arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

Self-Determination
In this model or approach to living it is believed that only the individual is capable of making decisions that are right for him.  Of course it is hoped that each individual will have the ability to access the kind of information he or she needs to make informed decisions about the course of life they choose.

The principles of consensual living outlined above provide a foundation for parents to raise children this parenting approach and family lifestyle.  One reason why this is considered such an ideal parenting approach is because it is a lifestyle that supports effective conflict resolution.

Essentially we have children and/or teens and adults in a CL family who regard each other as equals, have explicit trust in one another, and feel empowered to make decisions about their own destiny.  This sounds wonderful but it also sounds like the kind of situation where you will have conflict – especially when there individuals pursuing their own self-determination goals.

CL can work beautifully in these situations.  Yes there will be differences of opinion since in a CL family each person will have an opportunity to communicate their particular need or vision and that may not be the same as another family member’s vision of need.  Those differences of opinion, however, are valued and considered because that is the basis for CL.

A family is then able to continue the exploration and discussion of each person’s perspectives until a mutually agreeable solution is reached.  The process won’t necessarily be quick or easy but it will be inclusive.  A wonderful benefit of this process is the impact that it has on younger children.  As children mature they are able to take these problem-solving abilities with them into other personal and business relationships.

A question from reader Jess:

My husband and I are having a hard time getting our 7 year old to clean his room. His room gets so bad that I am afraid someone will kill themselves trying to walk through it. Yesterday we decided he needed to clean it but he just wouldn’t do. He kept sneaking out or he sat and played in it and didn’t clean. We resorted to yelling and then eventually to a spanking and yet he still didn’t clean his room. I also felt terrible after he got spanked and he sat in his room sobbing. But he needs to be able to clean his room on his own. What should we have done differently?

Sorry that you are having such a tough time with this issue. Here are a few ideas to help avoid this scenario in the future.

First, it sounds as though your son’s room would take a lot of time to clean if it was as bad as you described. That was probably too much for a 7 year old to handle. Not only was the thought of cleaning that room overwhelming to him he may not have the skills required yet. I have a son about the same age and he can also let his room get out of control if we let it go too long. When that happens I go in and clean it with him, giving him jobs to do and showing him first hand how to get it clean. I don’t worry one bit that he won’t learn to clean it himself….how will he learn unless I repeatedly show him?

Before bed each night I also go in and do a quick once over for him..perhaps giving one job to do…like taking his laundry downstairs or picking up his art supplies. Doing this little bit each night helps us keep it from getting too bad. Cleaning his room together allows me to teach him how to clean and it allows me to see what activities and art projects he is working on and discuss them with him. We both enjoy this time spent together.

Next time your son’s room gets out of control get your hands dirty and clean it with him. I don’t think you are really afraid he won’t know how to clean a room as an adult if you help him as a child. So why worry about making him do it on his own? In fact, when my bedroom needs cleaned I often ask the kids to help me out or my husband and I do it together. I CAN clean it on my own but it goes much faster and it is more enjoyable if I have help. Just put yourself in your children’s shoes….if it was your room would you want to be stuck in there cleaning it all day by yourself? Probably not.

Two year olds get a bad rep. Everywhere you look and listen you read and hear about the so-called “Terrible Twos.” To be fair, many young tots are going through a phase of disequilibrium at age 2 1/2, according to many child development experts.

Add to that the fact that most parents are trying to potty train at this age, and Mom may be pregnant or already have another child, and it’s no wonder the 2’s can be a bit challenging.

Here are a few tips to help you deal with your toddler and even enjoy this phase!

1) Remember that a toddler is nothing more than a baby on wheels.
Meaning, toddlers are active and can get into a whole lot of trouble, fast… yet they’re still so immature emotionally. That’s why tantrums are so common at this age. Toddlers have a hard time dealing with the overwhelming emotions they experience. Reading about the developmental milestones children are reaching at this age can help.
2) Don’t forget babywearing. Or perhaps we should call it Toddlerwearing!
Wearing your 2 to 3 year old in a soft cloth carrier, backpack or sling can still be a huge lifesaver. When your toddler is tired, overstimulated or otherwise out of sorts, wearing them will help them to settle down and maybe even go to sleep! The same is certainly true of breastfeeding. Dubbed “baby Prozac” by many, nursing can soothe the boo-boos and help a reluctant napper settle down.
3) Take care of Mom.
By the time the baby is a toddler, we moms often expect life to get back to “normal”. We think that we should have it all together, be back at our prepregnancy weight, and have the house spotless like it was before baby came into the picture. This is unrealistic, especially for a mom who is expecting another baby and caring for a 2 year old! Life with a toddler is often more fatiguing because toddlers are heavier, require more supervision and discipline, and now that they’re mobile they create much more housework too!
Mom would do well to not expect too much of herself and to make sure she’s taking a break from her duties once in awhile.  Most toddlers are getting closer to their Dads and Grandparents, so asking these loving people to take over for a few hours so you can read a book, exercise or nap is a priority.

Doing so means she’ll have fresh energy and perspective to devote to her favorite little person – her busy, intense and lovable 2 year old.

A child misbehaves by poking, kicking or similarly assaulting another child. The parent grabs him by the arm and slaps him for hitting that child. “Don’t Hit,” they may even yell. Hmm…what’s wrong with this scenario?

Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too.

Essentially when we talk about discipline we are talking about behavior that we would like to correct in our children.  What better way to teach our children then to model good behavior and behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate.  Hitting or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we subject children to such “behavior”? Furthermore we should only discipline in ways that make us feel good about our actions. Can you discipline in front of an audience and not feel ashamed? If not, then something is wrong.

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave will only respond to a good spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. We hear the “spare the rod” advice all to often.  As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is okay and the “rod” referred to in the Bible is not a physical rod to spank with but instead is a symbol for teaching and guiding.

One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.” Does that sound like something we want? Surely not!

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior)  do we as parents want to accept the potential long term consequences? Is it worth it?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any better ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner in which they were brought up. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child. You can break the cycle!

So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”?  A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child.  It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment.  It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue.  You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child.

More reading:

Positive Discipline

The Discipline Book

ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE

The No-Cry Discipline Solution

Self-esteem is important for any child’s development. He needs it to grow into a confident adult later in life. When a child lacks in self-esteem growing up, then he has a tougher time handling his everyday troubles.

In severe cases, children have resorted to committing suicide over low self-esteem issues.

In order for them to start building confidence in themselves, you’ll need to sit back and take a look at what you’re doing to encourage them in their lives.

Your child needs your guidance and nurturing all throughout his life. Some of the mistakes that parents make with their children, without even realizing it, are focusing too much on their children’s weaknesses and not enough on their strong points.

No child, or adult for that matter, is perfect – so there’s no need to constantly remind them of that every day. Children need to be taught right from wrong, but you shouldn’t harp on the fact that they never get anything right.

You’re there to help them realize their mistakes, help them to learn from them, and show them how to change paths and turn something from a negative into a positive. Focusing on the mistakes they make will only lower their self-esteem and make them feel like they can’t do anything right.

Some children only hear the negative things and nothing about the positive. Sometimes parents forget to praise their children for the good things they do. It’s those moments in a child’s life that allows them to build confidence within themselves.

Sometimes children need to be given a little more responsibility so that they have ample opportunity to achieve something. Those who aren’t given the chance equate it with not being good enough to do anything.

It dampers their spirit and will eventually control them to the point where they won’t want to try to achieve anything for fear of yet another failure. Give them some kind of responsibility that’s appropriate for their age and skillset.

Children look up to their parents.  In their eyes, you’re superhuman, but that can sometimes result in low confidence in themselves when they start to think that they could never live up to you.

Don’t be afraid to let them know (and see) your imperfections. It’s a lot easier on them when they realize that you make mistakes, too.  For families with more than one child, competition arises for their parent’s attention and affection.

Each child needs to be treated individually according to how you feel they need it, but the accolades they receive should be equal in abundance.  Help your child deal with the turmoil of everyday life as they move from childhood to adult by building their self-esteem a little bit each day.

Technorati Tags: self esteem, children, child, self-esteem, family, development, nurturing

As parents who wish to raise our children consciously and with love and respect, we can’t always do what comes naturally. Our knee jerk responses to our kid’s less than stellar behavior is often a reflection of our own parents choices. While that may be a good thing, it isn’t always so. We may be choosing to parent quite differently than our own parents did. That isn’t an indictment of them any more than choosing to go breastfeed is a rejection of a mother who formula fed us. It simply means that we’ve decided to make different choices that seem right to us given our knowledge, experience and comfort level.

Parenting consciously means taking the time to think before responding. Instead of doing what everyone else does, we choose our responses and pass them through our filter. We endeavor to parent according to higher standards that may include gentleness, minimizing punishment as a discipline tool, and respect for our child’s understanding and development. And yet in the “heat of the moment”, these higher standards can easily elude us! Here are some ways we can take back control of ourselves first, so we can help our children learn self control.

1) Tame the anger beast. Standard psychological wisdom for years has claimed that letting out your anger was cathartic, therapeutic, and that “holding our feelings in” was bad for our emotional and physical health.

 You know what? That so-called wisdom turned out to be bunk! Now, science has shone light on a different truth thanks to numerous studies on the subject: That expressing anger is actually destructive to our health, that anger is harmful to close relationships, and that it becomes an almost addictive trap that we can’t escape from when we indulge in it. I use the word indulge intentionally, because when we scream at our kids or “vent” on our loved ones, we’re actually indulging our baser instincts, not our higher selves. And then we have the nerve to feel justified because they “pushed our buttons”! So it would behoove us to learn anger management strategies before we damage the relationships with those we love the most.

2) Practice, practice, practice. Have you had a day when you settled down into your pillow at night totally happy with how you treated your kids? What made that day different? Did you spend a lot of time outside? Had you had a good nights’ sleep? Did you get some exercise? Did you leave the room and give yourself a time out? Did you give yourself a break to just relax? Did you count to ten or pray for wisdom?  Take note of what you did. Actually write it down, and commit to practicing that tactic again. It’s likely one that works for you. Instead of trying to change yourself into someone else, do what works for you. Practicing that behavior again and again makes it your habit, and it will serve you well the next time you’re in the situation.

Taking charge of our parenting is a bit like taking charge of our money. Whether we set a budget to discipline ourselves or put credit cards in the freezer to make it difficult to overspend, we can also put our parenting in the area of the conscious instead of the unconscious.