Probably no other topic sparks as much resignation in a parent than the topic of discipline. Parents are afraid not to discipline, or afraid to discipline too harshly. This is a good thing, as it means that modern parents are concerned with their own actions. Instead of doing things the way they’ve always been
done, we want to do one better.

However, a problem sometimes exists in the attachment parenting community. Some parents think that gentle discipline means no discipline at all, or they engage in ineffective discipline. It would be helpful to define discipline.

The word discipline comes from disciple, which has as its root the idea of teaching. Teaching is a parent’s job. We provide a framework where learning can take place by loving our children and giving them a safe place, but we also actively teach our children. Instead of being afraid of
discipline, viewing it from this paradigm opens up a new idea about discipline. Here is an example
of what I mean.

Let’s say a child has a habit of slamming doors. You find this irritating to the ears and sometimes
the slamming causes things to fall off the walls. There are a few things that a parent can do in this
situation. A parent could punish a child or yell at their child for slamming the door, but is that
effective or loving? Small chidren generally don’t know that slamming doors is a bad idea. They don’t
understand how that damages the door frame or causes the hinges to weaken. Here is where teaching
comes in.

Why not take the child by the hand, lead them to the door, and get down on their level on your
knees and explain calmly how slamming the door can damage it? Use language that the child can
understand depending on their level of comprehension, and keep it brief. Don’t lecture. Once you
explain the “why”, show the child how to close a door softly. Sell them on the benefits of doing so.
Then ask them to show you how well THEY can softly close the door by doing it for you ten times.

Children love this kind of discipline. They deeply crave to do things right and want to please
you. By taking time to teach, to discipline, you get what you want without damaging your relationship
with your child. Wouldn’t you want to be treated this way?

Technorati Tags: discipline, teach, love, children, parenting

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Most anyone, whether they come from a Judeo-Christian background or not, has heard of the Golden Rule. Basically, the Golden Rule has empathy at its heart. It states that we should treat others how we want to be treated. It is a simple but positive rule of conduct that can guide us in many areas, but let’s focus on parenting for a moment.

How can a parent use the Golden Rule to deepen their relationship with their kids and be more effective in their discipline?

We can think about how we sound
We probably get in trouble with our mouths more than any other way. As the saying goes, we
write checks with our mouths that our backs can’t cash. How many times do we speak
harshly to our kids and regret that? How often do we say things we regret? And yet how do we
feel about people who talk to us that way? Do we respect and admire them? Probably, we want
to get as far as possible from people who are verbally abusive.

Remembering how we want to be spoken to, especially when we’ve goofed and made a mistake, will
serve us well in our parenting. If we’re going to err, let’s err on the side of soft spoken.
We can think about how we act
Have you ever seen an adult behave hypocritically? Perhaps you had a supervisor at work who
was the biggest gossip or slacker, yet who was quick to point out that behavior in others.
How did that make you feel?

Similarly, when our kids see us saying but not doing, we’ve wasted our breath. Kids are very good
at seeing hypocrisy. All the lecturing and punishing in the world will only backfire if we
are hypocritical with our kids.

We can think about how we treat
Do you remember the trials of childhood? Far from being idyllic, childhood can be frustrating,
difficult and even sad at times. I remember being embarrassed and frustrated when I spilled
my drink at the dinner table, and longing to grow up so I wouldn’t be so clumsy.

Remembering how it felt to be powerless, how it felt to wait on adults for what seemed like forever,
and how it felt to have to rely on adults to keep their promises can help us treat our children with
love and empathy.

One of the key components of attachment parenting is the intent to build a deep bond between parent and child that will create an atmosphere of love and unyielding trust. Most will agree in any situation that creating an atmosphere of trust would not involve hitting or physical coercion. This applies to the parent/child relationship as well, if not more so. A parent that seeks a loving attachment to his or her child should always seek to parent peacefully and consensually and this is the goal of attachment style parenting.

In decades past, spanking as a method of discipline was accepted and encouraged and when anger flares up as it has the tendency to do on occasion, spanking often becomes the quickest and easiest way to handle a situation. However, any benefit that can be had by spanking is a short term solution and the long term lessons we teach by spanking can be hard to counteract at the end of the day. Hitting models hitting, it devalues the parent and the child, it promotes anger, and it just doesn’t work long term. It is important to build upon your repertoire of positive parenting skills and tools.

Redirect

Redirecting is a technique often used by creative parents to direct energy or urges into useful activities. If your younger child is reaching for something inappropriate or something that may cause injury you can remove the inappropriate item and redirect their attention elsewhere. This can be done with an age appropriate toy, a game, a song…something that distracts them from the unwanted behavior or item and channels their urges into a more positive direction. This practice goes hand in hand with the practice of removing temptation in the first place. If you have a lovely glass figurine that you do not want your child to touch, do not leave it in a place that is accessible to them. Attached parents anticipate their children’s actions and are proactive in avoiding conflicts in the first place.

Talk to Your Child

This seems to be one of the most overlooked methods of discipline but yet the very word discipline means instruction or teaching and the most effective way to teach or instruct is to open dialogue between you and your child. Speak with them and decipher the reasons behind their behavior. What needs do they have that are not being met? Are feelings of frustration causing them to act out in less than desirable ways? There is no better way to get to the heart of the issue than to talk with your children and let them know they can trust you to not only listen to them but to see if there is an acceptable resolution for both of you so that everyone’s needs can be met. Even from an early age we should get used to using words (not hands) to diffuse situations and resolve conflict. Instead of punishing them for misbehaving, teach them what they can do differently in the future.

Give Your Child Choices

Children respond well to being included in the decision making process and will be more compliant with your wishes if they have some input. If your child is hitting a sibling you might give them the choice to either remain in the room without hitting or play alone in another room. If your child is conflicted about bed time you could offer to let them decide what their pre-bedtime readiness activity will be, either reading a book or taking a bath. Children will respond better to choices than to draconian commands.

Discipline does not have to mean conflict and angst for the whole family. If we choose to look at discipline for what it really is, an opportunity to teach and instruct, there is no reason why the process cannot be peaceful and positive for all.

Technorati Tags: attachment parenting, discipline, redirecting, choices, conflict, positive, teach, talk to your child

You likely know what attachment parenting looks like for your babies and toddlers, but what happens when your “little” one isn’t so little anymore? How do you apply the principles of attachment parenting to your older child too? Do you struggle with it? Here are some ways to keep the close relationship you enjoyed with your babies strong as your kids grow. Older kids need that bond and secure attachment as well.

Physical Touch
One of the basic principles of attachment parenting is the importance of physical closeness. You kept your baby close in a sling and co-slept with him so that he or she could feel safe in the world. Now that your child is older, that physical touch can and should continue, in a way that feels comfortable for the both of you. That may include back rubs, feet massages, bear hugs and even kisses. Both of you NEED this ineraction.

Of course when your kids hit the “tween” years they may back off from a lot of physical touching, just as a toddler thrills in running away from Mommy when they want some independence. Accept your child’s limits in this area and don’t push, but try to read your child’s cues. Physical closeness with Mom is still comforting, at any age.

Gentle Discipline

You rejected spanking and harsh discipline for your children, and this doesn’t change as they get older. In fact, it may be even easier to implement natural consequences with older kids. As they mature, they have even more respect for your authority and wisdom, no matter how they may deny that to you! In fact, older children may be quite vocal in rejecting your rules, but know that as always, they want and need you to have reasonable boundaries.

In addition, the attachment you nourished with your babies will pay off in spades as they mature. Kids who feel safe not to be treated or spoken to harshly will come forward more freely when they’ve done something they’re not proud of. Be sure not to overreact if you hear something you don’t like. While kids will still make plenty of mistakes and test your limits, if you remain calm and collected, they are often willing to acknowledge “you were right Mom” in the end.

Respect For Their Needs
Just as you responded to your young baby’s cry and your toddler’s on again/off again clinginess, you will continue to show respect for your child’s needs as they change and grow. Listening to your kids and trying to find the underlying cause of their behavior (or mis-behavior!) is very important as they grow and mature.

As your child grows older, their problems will become more serious and will tug at your heart with even more ferocity. You may find yourself wishing that making them feel better was as easy as it was when they were infants. While you can’t make everything unpleasant go away (nor would you want to), you can be the safe harbor in their changing world.

Technorati Tags: attachment parenting, older kids, tweens, teens, physical touch, bond