If your child gives you a glazed look when you suggest taking a walk in the yard or to the park to enjoy the outdoors he may have “nature deficit disorder.”  Author Richard Louv coined this phrase in his 2005 book Last Child in the Woods.  What Louv was referring to was the reality that kids today have a declining interest in things that our natural.  That’s pretty frightening when you think about it, especially when well meaning parents may be the cause.

Gone are the days when kids were encouraged to go out and explore nature on their bikes or on roller blades, etc., with their friends.  Those were the days when the only restrictions or guidelines given were to be home for set meal times and before the street lights came on.

Today few parents are comfortable letting their kids ride their bikes beyond their own street, not alone to the nearest park or conservation area.  With every new media highlight of a child abduction, drug incident or worse, parents become more cautious.  The end result of all this caution is a generation of kids that have become distanced from their environment.

Not only have parents limited children’s access to natural environments, but the lure of television, computers and video games has also eaten up a significant portion of recreation time that might have been otherwise spent out doors.

According to the Playing for Keeps organization 80 percent of children under age 2 and more than 60 percent of children aged 2 to 5 do not have access to daily outdoor activities.  The National Parks Service reports that state and national parks are experiencing a 10 to 20 percent drop in visitation.  

In 2007, the Governor’s Outdoors Conference in State College gathered over 300 public health officials, directors of government agencies, park managers, nature-related outdoor group representatives and outdoor enthusiasts from across the country to look at the challenge of getting kids and adults outdoors and the reasons for these changing trends.

This gathering of outdoor stakeholders came up with a number of reasons and causes for this unhealthy trend. For one, it was determined that urbanization and school district’s concern about injury-related lawsuits contributed to the decreased number of easily accessible outdoor opportunities for kids.  Other reasons point to our unhealthy diets.  Health care workers notice a lack of stamina in our youth when confronted with outdoor activities and link this observation to lower levels of Vitamin D.

So if you think your child has nature deficit disorder what can you do?  Here are a few suggestions:

• Get involved on your school PTA and encourage the school to incorporate more nature trips into the school curriculum.
• Take community events out of the manicured local parks. Instead plan community events in nearby conservation parks.  Carpool families to the location and hold a barbecue and baseball game there.  The different wildlife to be seen in a conservation park will make the trip interesting and get the kids excited about the beauty that really is all around them.
• Hang bird feeders around your house and look at the different birds you can attract with different seeds.  Involve the kids in this activity and watch their interest grow!
• If you have space, plant a children’s garden or start planting in pots. Put them in charge of weeding and watering. When their seedlings bloom their excitement will be something to behold.
• On your next family vacation choose a location that has many outdoor adventuring opportunities.

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Is your child suffering from not spending enough time in nature? Richard Louv, author of Last Child In The Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder, asserts that many modern children do. In fact, other medical and mental health experts and a growing body of researchers are also concerned about how little time our children are spending in the great outdoors. Why should parents be aware of this? What are some of the problems that result from nature deficit and what can we do to prevent it in our children?

First let’s define the problem. As Louv sees it, when our kids spend less time in natural environments, the results are what we’re seeing more and more of in recent years: weight issues in children, attention problems, depression, anxiety and stress. According to Louv, anecdotal evidence as well as several studies point to a connection between the increasing amount of time our kids spend indoors doing more sedentary activities, and emotional, health and social problems.

To be fair, many parents are justifiably concerned about safety. But this comes at a price. Many of us who are parents today remember spending much of our own childhoods out of doors, even in less than perfect weather! Long walks through the woods with friends, bike rides through the neighborhood feeling the wind in our hair, day dreaming for hours on the tire swing under the tree, these were the stuff memories were made of. Our kids today are often shuttled from one activity to another, most of these taking place in structured environments, and many of them indoors. What are our kids missing out on?

The research points to several things. One is that spending time in nature can help relieve stress. It also helps kids focus more. One study conducted by the University of Illinois found that children with attention problems can focus better after outdoor activities. Other studies point to increased cognitive ability among kids who have access to natural settings and display fewer attention lapses (such as interrupting, not listening and distraction). Also important are the findings that unstructured play (the kind that takes place when kids roam the great outdoors) leads to enhanced emotional and social development. They get better at problem solving and getting along with other kids. Not to be discounted is the fact any Mom can testify to: that getting the kids outdoors makes them calmer, helps them eat better as well as sleep better!

So how do we make sure our kids are getting enough time outside, especially if we don’t live in a rural area? One way is to structure recreation around nature. Spending time in parks, taking walks on nature trails, hiking, mountain climbing, visiting lakes, rivers and beaches and picnics outdoors are some ideas. Even in urban areas you probably have access to city parks and botanical gardens. Build a treehouse in your backyard if you can. Encourage your kids to go outside and play as much as possible. Make it mandatory if they don’t seem to enjoy it at first. Like eating vegetables, they often will start to love it with time. If it’s not safe for your kids to play outside without supervision, then spend time outside with them. Go for walks outside as a family. Eat some of your meals outdoors if weather permits. Involve the kids in outdoor chores like yard work or hanging laundry. The benefits will likely be obvious to you after a period of time and are worth the extra effort.

It has taken some time, but finally there is widespread awareness that electronic games are contributing to the poor health of our kids.  Studies are showing that kids in general are spending approximately 5 hours a day in front of the TV and/or game video screen. Sure some of these games can be entertaining or even stimulating to a point, but 5 hours of electronic entertainment is way too much time for growing kids to spend in one stationary position. 

Researchers from Yale University and the University of Hawaii published a paper recently stating that by 2010 more than 50% of children in America will be overweight.  That’s a statistic that no one wants to see realized.  So what can we do? For many families it will take a significant effort to change some activities that have become hard to break habits.

Electronic games and DVDs have become the modern pacifier for many kids.  Parents will often pop in a DVD or whip out the Game Boy to keep kids occupied during long trips, while seated in waiting rooms or at any moment in the day when a child says “I’m bored.”

The challenge is to find ways to control (or better yet eliminate) the use of electronics as a means of childhood entertainment.  To get some ideas as to what you might do to entertain your kids, let’s take a look back to the pre-Game Boy era…

It’s a Wednesday evening, dinner’s done and the kids have finished their homework.  Mom looks to the game cupboard and pulls the Twister box off the shelf.  Twister is the game where the players are the game pieces.  Unfold the game “sheet” on the family room floor, get the spinner out, spin away and start moving arms and limbs onto the colored dots as directed by the spinner.  Last person to fall wins.  Now that’s a fun way to end a typical week day.

While Twister is a game from the past, it is very much available today as are a good many  traditional games that are engaging, fun and require no batteries or adapters!  The following are great games for all ages that you might want to pick up either on ebay, at a local garage sale, or your local toy store:  Monopoly (not the electronic version), Sorry, Battleship, Clue and Scrabble.  

What to do on a snowy Saturday afternoon?  Why build a snow fort of course?  Moms and Dads can and should join in this game since the more hands involved in fort construction the sooner it’ll be ready for its military inhabitants! All that snow that is cleared from the driveway and that is on the lawn, will be put to great use as building material for the family snow fort.

Who doesn’t like the game “Simon Says”?  This classic movement game is fun for any age and the best part is your 2 year old can have as much fun playing this as the 12 year old.  Assign a young child to be “Simon” for a really neat “Simon Says” session. Mom and Dad can be pretty good at giving orders around the house let’s see how good (or how able) they are at following directions especially when the order is “Touch your toes!”  Keep your chiropractor on call during your “Simon Says” sessions.

The best part of any “non-electronic” family activity is the good conversation and laughter that are so much a part of family life.  Watching your kids giggle as you trip over yourself during a game of Twister is a priceless moment no electronic game can replace.

Part of disciplining a child is about setting boundaries and also about contributing to the healthy development of your child’s character and value system.  As your child gets older and starts to assert his character, you may need to have some patience in order to adequately address disciplining situations.  Remember every word or action you communicate to your son or daughter has a distinct impact on their perception of you and your relationship.  Your words and actions also influence the character development of your child.  Disciplining without a doubt is a serious and important part of your childrearing responsibilities. 

Gentle discipline advocates emphasize patience, firmness and consistency and do not condone physical punishment since the goal is to teach reason, boundaries and sound judgment and to discourage violence.

When your older child misbehaves it is suggested that you acknowledge his growing ability to talk and express his feelings.  Perhaps a calm discussion about the problem or behavior in question is the best way of getting at the problem.  If both of you are not calm, delay the discussion until you are calm. Then try again. When children feel they’re being heard and understood they’re more inclined to follow expectations in the future.

Sometimes older children just need to better understand why a rule is put in place.  Take the time to explain why a certain rule was made and discuss the potential dangers or implications of behavior that violates that rule. 

Be consistent in the way you discipline and make sure the penalty fits the digression.  If kids think they are being treated unfairly they’ll likely rebel and take no new lessons away from the disciplining experience.  Consistency and fairness are very important to older children.

Pick your battles.  Many older children and teens will try to push their boundaries as part of their “biology” and their desire to be their own person, separate and distinct form Mom or Dad.  Boundary pushing can be frequent or infrequent.   Depending on your child and the degree of the violation, you may want to pick your battles.  If you are constantly disciplining your teen you may eventually lose effectiveness or even a decent relationship with this child.  Allow your child some elbow-room on things that aren’t critical to their health and safety.  When it comes time for you to want to negotiate on an issue (e.g., you may not want your child to go to a certain place or friend’s house) perhaps you will negotiate better if you have previously made allowances in earlier situations.

Don’t threaten to give up on your child.  Many parents of older children will say this and if we believe that we are helping to build character and confidence in our children these kinds of threats are not helpful.  Your child should never think that you would for one second give up or withdraw your love or protection.

Be positive, listen to your children, set reasonable boundaries that are clearly explained and be consistent in the way you respond to behavioral issues.  Your child is paying attention to your response and may even repeat your disciplinary actions when he has a child of his own.  With that in mind don’t respond in a way that you wouldn’t want repeated.  The easy response is to yell or lash out.  The harder response is to discipline with respect for the child and with authority that can’t be mistaken. Raising and disciplining older children isn’t an art or science, but it is a responsibility that takes patience and love.  

Consensual Living or CL is based on the notion individuals in relationship with each other can exist in a way that avoids conflict through fair and democratic recognition of each others needs and effective communication.

CL is sometimes considered a parenting philosophy, where children are considered to have an equal say in family decision making.  This may either sound chaotic or unrealistic but by reviewing the principles of CL I think you’ll agree that it can form the basis for a family lifestyle that is not only balanced and nurturing but educational as well.

The main principles involved in CL are: equality, trust and self-determination.

Equality
In a family that has embraced consensual living, the principle of equality is very important.  What this means is that the thoughts, feelings and needs of each individual involved are equally valued and equally considered.

Each member of the community/family is not just considered equal they each must truly feel equal and that is an important distinction.

Trust
Direct, honest and sincere communication is an expectation of individuals choosing the consensual living lifestyle.  Each member of the family must trust that all members are being truthful when sharing their wants or needs or suggesting solutions to an issue or problem.

It is so important that in times of conflict, each member of the family trusts that together the family will arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

Self-Determination
In this model or approach to living it is believed that only the individual is capable of making decisions that are right for him.  Of course it is hoped that each individual will have the ability to access the kind of information he or she needs to make informed decisions about the course of life they choose.

The principles of consensual living outlined above provide a foundation for parents to raise children this parenting approach and family lifestyle.  One reason why this is considered such an ideal parenting approach is because it is a lifestyle that supports effective conflict resolution.

Essentially we have children and/or teens and adults in a CL family who regard each other as equals, have explicit trust in one another, and feel empowered to make decisions about their own destiny.  This sounds wonderful but it also sounds like the kind of situation where you will have conflict – especially when there individuals pursuing their own self-determination goals.

CL can work beautifully in these situations.  Yes there will be differences of opinion since in a CL family each person will have an opportunity to communicate their particular need or vision and that may not be the same as another family member’s vision of need.  Those differences of opinion, however, are valued and considered because that is the basis for CL.

A family is then able to continue the exploration and discussion of each person’s perspectives until a mutually agreeable solution is reached.  The process won’t necessarily be quick or easy but it will be inclusive.  A wonderful benefit of this process is the impact that it has on younger children.  As children mature they are able to take these problem-solving abilities with them into other personal and business relationships.

When many parents consider homeschooling their children they often think the longest about all of the challenges that would face them as homeschooling parents. Often times the hardships, perceived and real, dwarf the benefits. Parents wonder how they will find the time to homeschool. They may doubt their ability to be a good teacher or instructor. Lack of socialization and structure may also be a concern.

What about the benefits though? Are they receiving the same consideration or do they get trumped by all of the potential hardships and problems? What are some of the benefits? Here are few things to consider:
Homeschoolers Can Work at Their Own Pace

The public schooling system is often times criticized for its failure to consider the individual needs and learning styles of each child. In classes with 20 or more students it is impossible for children to get the one on one attention they may need and it is easy for a child to be labeled as “slow” or learning disabled because they appear to be behind their peers academically. The problem with this thinking this that it does not consider the very real possibility that they are simply learning and working at their own normal pace and development. When one standard of excellence is forced upon all children then inevitably some children will fall behind and be made to feel inadequate. Homeschooling can be incredibly liberating for you and for your child when they are allowed to grow and learn on their own terms and at their own unique pace.  The one on one time you spend with your child may be just what he or she needs more than anything else.

Homeschooling Is Not Constrictive

Parents of publicly schooled children are all too familiar with pressure. Their lives are dictated by alarm clocks, bus schedules, lunch money, school activities, teacher’s conferences, homework, and bedtimes just to name a few. It may seem that public school is the easiest option for a busy parent but when all of the demands placed upon parents by the public schooling schedule are considered it starts to look more like a burden than a benefit. Homeschooling can be done on any schedule that works for your family.

Homeschooling Allows Parents to Teach Family Values

Parents of publicly schooled children will often be the first to tell you about how the issues that face young children in schools today are of great concern. Children are exposed to foul language, drugs, smoking, illegal activities, and sex just to name a few. Most parents would probably consider this peer top peer education to be inappropriate and lacking. Parents that homeschool are in the unique positioned to be the able to teach their children about these issues on their own terms and at the appropriate time without too much outside influence counteracting their instruction.

Homeschooling Can Increase Socialization for the Whole Family

The availability of homeschooling playgroups and support groups and other homeschooling activities such as travels to museums and historical areas of interest provide opportunities for socialization for everyone. More and more homeschooling parents are realizing that they don’t need to stay home and assist their child with workbook drills. They can take their children out of the home and benefit from real life experiences, meeting to new people, and seeing new things and places. The whole family benefits when learning is expanded in this way.

When considering homeschooling for your child it is easy to dwell on the hardships that may be presented by this choice but don’t forget that there are a lot of benefits too.

A question from reader Jess:

My husband and I are having a hard time getting our 7 year old to clean his room. His room gets so bad that I am afraid someone will kill themselves trying to walk through it. Yesterday we decided he needed to clean it but he just wouldn’t do. He kept sneaking out or he sat and played in it and didn’t clean. We resorted to yelling and then eventually to a spanking and yet he still didn’t clean his room. I also felt terrible after he got spanked and he sat in his room sobbing. But he needs to be able to clean his room on his own. What should we have done differently?

Sorry that you are having such a tough time with this issue. Here are a few ideas to help avoid this scenario in the future.

First, it sounds as though your son’s room would take a lot of time to clean if it was as bad as you described. That was probably too much for a 7 year old to handle. Not only was the thought of cleaning that room overwhelming to him he may not have the skills required yet. I have a son about the same age and he can also let his room get out of control if we let it go too long. When that happens I go in and clean it with him, giving him jobs to do and showing him first hand how to get it clean. I don’t worry one bit that he won’t learn to clean it himself….how will he learn unless I repeatedly show him?

Before bed each night I also go in and do a quick once over for him..perhaps giving one job to do…like taking his laundry downstairs or picking up his art supplies. Doing this little bit each night helps us keep it from getting too bad. Cleaning his room together allows me to teach him how to clean and it allows me to see what activities and art projects he is working on and discuss them with him. We both enjoy this time spent together.

Next time your son’s room gets out of control get your hands dirty and clean it with him. I don’t think you are really afraid he won’t know how to clean a room as an adult if you help him as a child. So why worry about making him do it on his own? In fact, when my bedroom needs cleaned I often ask the kids to help me out or my husband and I do it together. I CAN clean it on my own but it goes much faster and it is more enjoyable if I have help. Just put yourself in your children’s shoes….if it was your room would you want to be stuck in there cleaning it all day by yourself? Probably not.

It’s raining (or snowing) cats and dogs. You can’t send the kids out to play, but you would prefer that they not zone out in front of the TV or the computer for the next five hours. Good for you. How can you keep your kids entertained on a day like this?

One of the things that modern parents struggle with is the need to get things done and also spend quality time with children, and it’s not always easy with children complaining that they are bored every ten minutes. This is where you’ve hopefully trained them, and yourself, to be creative.

Here are some great ways to entertain your kids in the “old-fashioned” way. You might have to get them started, or even play along, but it will be good for them and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that your children are learning to use their natural creativity and curiosity.

• Make a fort – get chair and sheets or blankets and show them how to build a fort. With some creativity, they can make rooms and will have a wonderful time.

• Read – Get out the storybooks and read to them if they are little, or have them read to you if they are older and learning. This is a great way to remind them of the power a book can have to transport a person to far-away places for fun and adventure.

• Paint – Finger paints, anyone? Create works of art on paper or poster board and display them when they are dry.

• Cookies – Make some cookies, or a cake or some bread. This is an age-old fun way to spend a couple hours. It gives you bonding time with your kids and they have fun. Later, you can have a snack (maybe while all watching your favorite TV show together – oops! There’s the TV, again).

• Help with dinner – Get out the recipe book and have your kids help you make dinner. Show them how measure ingredients and follow the directions. Make sure to show them how to clean up as they go, so there won’t be a huge mess after the feast has been prepared.

• Science projects – Go online and do a search for “rainy day science projects” or “science projects to do at home”. You will find a ton of easy and fun things the kids can do. They will learn something new, too!

• Repot plants – Get your hands dirty and show them how to properly repot plants that have grown out of the pots they’re in. Spread some newspaper on the floor, get out some potting soil and get to work.

• Plant seeds – If you have some clear plastic cups (not earth friendly, but they serve a purpose here), you can put some potting soil in them, and have your kids plant some seeds, preferably beans or sunflowers or another large type of seed. Even though the seeds won’t sprout immediately, in a few days, they will be able to see new life.

• Write letters (not emails) – Get out some paper and crayons, colored pencils or pens and have the kids write real letters to Grandma and Grandpa, or a cousin or friend who lives far away. They will have fun writing and decorating a special letter, and hopefully receiving a real letter in return.

If you use your own creativity and even think back to fun things you did as a child, you can probably come up with more great ideas for entertaining your children without the use of a TV, computer, or video game. Good luck!

A child misbehaves by poking, kicking or similarly assaulting another child. The parent grabs him by the arm and slaps him for hitting that child. “Don’t Hit,” they may even yell. Hmm…what’s wrong with this scenario?

Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too.

Essentially when we talk about discipline we are talking about behavior that we would like to correct in our children.  What better way to teach our children then to model good behavior and behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate.  Hitting or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we subject children to such “behavior”? Furthermore we should only discipline in ways that make us feel good about our actions. Can you discipline in front of an audience and not feel ashamed? If not, then something is wrong.

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave will only respond to a good spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. We hear the “spare the rod” advice all to often.  As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is okay and the “rod” referred to in the Bible is not a physical rod to spank with but instead is a symbol for teaching and guiding.

One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.” Does that sound like something we want? Surely not!

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior)  do we as parents want to accept the potential long term consequences? Is it worth it?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any better ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner in which they were brought up. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child. You can break the cycle!

So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”?  A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child.  It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment.  It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue.  You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child.

More reading:

Positive Discipline

The Discipline Book

ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE

The No-Cry Discipline Solution

Self-esteem is important throughout life, but it is in childhood when its foundation is laid.  It’s our job as parents to help our children build self-esteem.  We may do and say things that are bad for our kids’ self-esteem without even realizing it, so it is important to make a conscious effort to help them develop and maintain a positive opinion about themselves.

Listening to Your Child

One thing that parents often overlook is the fact that children need us to listen to what they have to say.  When we don’t, they feel unworthy of our attention.  And that can put a damper on their self-esteem.

Making it a point to listen fully to what your child has to say will let him know that you value his stories and opinions.  Sometimes we just don’t have the time to listen at the very moment they want to talk, but it’s important to let them know that it’s not because we don’t want to.  Set a time to sit down and talk if necessary, and stick with it.

When Your Child Misbehaves

When children are misbehaving, it is easy to forget about keeping their self-esteem intact.  But it is very important to make the distinction between bad behavior and a bad child.

By describing the specific behavior as bad rather than telling your child that he himself is bad, you can let him know that it is not him as a person that you disapprove of.  It is his actions.  Children who feel that their parents disapprove of them are not only more likely to develop low self-esteem, they also tend to misbehave more.

Give the Right Kinds of Compliments

Complementing your child when he does well is important, because it reinforces both self-esteem and good behavior.  But even complements can sometimes do damage.  Backhanded complements do nothing but cause hurt feelings.  Try to refrain from alluding to negative things your child has done when giving complements.  You can accomplish much more by keeping praise completely positive.

It’s also important not to overdo the praise.  While it is great to recognize the good things your child does, it is possible to put too much pressure on him.  Being specific with your praise, such as telling your child you are proud of him for bringing his math grade up from a C to an A, accomplishes more than telling him that he is the smartest kid in the class or the world.

It is important to start building a child’s self-esteem at a young age.  Doing so will encourage him to be the best that he can be and to resist peer pressure.  By listening to our children and keeping their self-esteem in mind at all times, we can raise them to be happy, confident people.