A child misbehaves by poking, kicking or similarly assaulting another child. The parent grabs him by the arm and slaps him for hitting that child. “Don’t Hit,” they may even yell. Hmm…what’s wrong with this scenario?

Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too.

Essentially when we talk about discipline we are talking about behavior that we would like to correct in our children.  What better way to teach our children then to model good behavior and behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate.  Hitting or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we subject children to such “behavior”? Furthermore we should only discipline in ways that make us feel good about our actions. Can you discipline in front of an audience and not feel ashamed? If not, then something is wrong.

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave will only respond to a good spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. We hear the “spare the rod” advice all to often.  As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is okay and the “rod” referred to in the Bible is not a physical rod to spank with but instead is a symbol for teaching and guiding.

One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.” Does that sound like something we want? Surely not!

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior)  do we as parents want to accept the potential long term consequences? Is it worth it?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any better ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner in which they were brought up. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child. You can break the cycle!

So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”?  A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child.  It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment.  It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue.  You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child.

More reading:

Positive Discipline

The Discipline Book

ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE

The No-Cry Discipline Solution

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Self-esteem is important throughout life, but it is in childhood when its foundation is laid.  It’s our job as parents to help our children build self-esteem.  We may do and say things that are bad for our kids’ self-esteem without even realizing it, so it is important to make a conscious effort to help them develop and maintain a positive opinion about themselves.

Listening to Your Child

One thing that parents often overlook is the fact that children need us to listen to what they have to say.  When we don’t, they feel unworthy of our attention.  And that can put a damper on their self-esteem.

Making it a point to listen fully to what your child has to say will let him know that you value his stories and opinions.  Sometimes we just don’t have the time to listen at the very moment they want to talk, but it’s important to let them know that it’s not because we don’t want to.  Set a time to sit down and talk if necessary, and stick with it.

When Your Child Misbehaves

When children are misbehaving, it is easy to forget about keeping their self-esteem intact.  But it is very important to make the distinction between bad behavior and a bad child.

By describing the specific behavior as bad rather than telling your child that he himself is bad, you can let him know that it is not him as a person that you disapprove of.  It is his actions.  Children who feel that their parents disapprove of them are not only more likely to develop low self-esteem, they also tend to misbehave more.

Give the Right Kinds of Compliments

Complementing your child when he does well is important, because it reinforces both self-esteem and good behavior.  But even complements can sometimes do damage.  Backhanded complements do nothing but cause hurt feelings.  Try to refrain from alluding to negative things your child has done when giving complements.  You can accomplish much more by keeping praise completely positive.

It’s also important not to overdo the praise.  While it is great to recognize the good things your child does, it is possible to put too much pressure on him.  Being specific with your praise, such as telling your child you are proud of him for bringing his math grade up from a C to an A, accomplishes more than telling him that he is the smartest kid in the class or the world.

It is important to start building a child’s self-esteem at a young age.  Doing so will encourage him to be the best that he can be and to resist peer pressure.  By listening to our children and keeping their self-esteem in mind at all times, we can raise them to be happy, confident people.

During warmer months it is easy to send kids outdoors for some fun in the sun and fresh air. Bike riding, tree climbing, soccer, hopscotch, and dozens of other outdoor activities provide children with hours upon hours of creative play that is healthy for their bodies and mind. Less than favorable weather such as rain and extreme cold may present a problem at times though and moms need to get creative in helping their kids to find productive play activities. In an age where video games and TV can easily become too important in a child’s life, many parents are reluctant to encourage these things. Luckily there are many alternatives for parents that want to stress productive and creative play.

Help Them Make Believe

Pretend play is particularly important for a young child’s development. It helps them to develop their critical thinking and communication abilities. The great outdoors provides a grand stage for this type of play but parents can facilitate make believe any time with just a few clever props. A box of costumes can create hours of pretend play fun as your kids pretend they are pirates, fairies, knights, or even characters from their favorite movies and books. Homemade forts also provide an excellent opportunity for kids to imagine they are playing in a log cabin, a castle, or a tent. A simple sheet draped over a table can provide hours of fun and creative play.

Creative Toys

Instead of toys with lights, sounds, and movement give your children some basic toys that they can use to build and create. Legos and wooden blocks are usually very popular among kids as they can spend hours creating virtually anything they can come up with. Take some pictures of their creations and help them create a photo journal to record all of their inventions and accomplishments as mini architects.

Play kitchens and play food can also provide hours of creative play as kids pretend to cook their favorite meals and serve their family. Even an item as simple as a playsilk can be used as a flag, as part of a costume, as a sail on a boat, or a doll sling or hammock. Give them the raw materials and watch them create!

Books for Homegrown Adventure

For younger and older kids it is great fun to read a book aloud and ask them to re-enact it in a play or with puppets. They can build the set, create the costumes, and then act out the part of their favorite character. If you have a video camera handy you or an older child can record these performances to let them view later and to create memories that the whole family will treasure for years.

For children that insist on TV time perhaps you can strike a deal asking them to select a movie that originated from a book and then after they read it you can all watch the movie together and discuss how the book and movie compared.
These are just a few of the ways that parents can encourage creative and productive play and leisure within their children.

Self-esteem is important for any child’s development. He needs it to grow into a confident adult later in life. When a child lacks in self-esteem growing up, then he has a tougher time handling his everyday troubles.

In severe cases, children have resorted to committing suicide over low self-esteem issues.

In order for them to start building confidence in themselves, you’ll need to sit back and take a look at what you’re doing to encourage them in their lives.

Your child needs your guidance and nurturing all throughout his life. Some of the mistakes that parents make with their children, without even realizing it, are focusing too much on their children’s weaknesses and not enough on their strong points.

No child, or adult for that matter, is perfect – so there’s no need to constantly remind them of that every day. Children need to be taught right from wrong, but you shouldn’t harp on the fact that they never get anything right.

You’re there to help them realize their mistakes, help them to learn from them, and show them how to change paths and turn something from a negative into a positive. Focusing on the mistakes they make will only lower their self-esteem and make them feel like they can’t do anything right.

Some children only hear the negative things and nothing about the positive. Sometimes parents forget to praise their children for the good things they do. It’s those moments in a child’s life that allows them to build confidence within themselves.

Sometimes children need to be given a little more responsibility so that they have ample opportunity to achieve something. Those who aren’t given the chance equate it with not being good enough to do anything.

It dampers their spirit and will eventually control them to the point where they won’t want to try to achieve anything for fear of yet another failure. Give them some kind of responsibility that’s appropriate for their age and skillset.

Children look up to their parents.  In their eyes, you’re superhuman, but that can sometimes result in low confidence in themselves when they start to think that they could never live up to you.

Don’t be afraid to let them know (and see) your imperfections. It’s a lot easier on them when they realize that you make mistakes, too.  For families with more than one child, competition arises for their parent’s attention and affection.

Each child needs to be treated individually according to how you feel they need it, but the accolades they receive should be equal in abundance.  Help your child deal with the turmoil of everyday life as they move from childhood to adult by building their self-esteem a little bit each day.

Technorati Tags: self esteem, children, child, self-esteem, family, development, nurturing

The cost of homeschooling your child can vary greatly with each family. It all depends on what method you choose to use, what grade level your child is at, and how much information you can provide on your own when it comes to the lesson plans.

Homeschooling requires teaching materials like textbooks, workbooks, and during the science years, lab materials (not to mention project materials, too).

If you don’t feel confident developing your own curriculum, then you’ll want to invest in one that includes a teacher’s lesson plan, preferably a daily one to make the educational process more convenient for you.

Purchasing lesson plans can be quite expensive.  To help cut costs, find out exactly what you need for your child’s curriculum and check with the local public school to see if they will lend you some of their textbooks.

If not, check your local library for resources to use to teach your child’s lessons.  You can purchase new books for your child to use, but you might also be able to get by with buying used texts from a family whose kids are past that stage of learning.

The Internet is an area with a vast amount of free resources.  Don’t be afraid to search for some daily lesson plans that you can print out – as well as project ideas you can assign to your child to make learning fun and interactive.

Network with other homeschooling parents.  Many have book trades, where they either sell or give curriculums to other families who need them.  You may have to change a few things to make it more personalized for your child, or supplement it with something you find at Barnes and Noble, but used materials can shave hundreds of dollars off of your expenses.

Maximize your field trips. Sometimes lessons can be taught at a museum or zoo by asking the guide questions. If you’re learning about monkeys in your lesson plan, then why not learn about them at the zoo instead of looking at pictures in a book?

Learn through nature. Nature hikes at your local parks can teach a lot about our environment and can make learning more fun for your child. It’s more interesting to get outdoors and walk, run (and even play) while you learn something, and it helps the child retain the information better, too!

Join a homeschooling community or start one of your own. Sometimes a community of like-minded people can get donations for some of the equipment needed, like chalkboards, textbooks and more from the local schools or other organizations.  Check garage sales, local thrift stores and flea markets for equipment to use. You may be able to find chalkboards or notebooks at a discount price. If you belong to a group of homeschoolers, then you might consider buying materials in bulk for a cut in the costs. Homeschooling can cost as much or as little as you want it to, depending on how you decide to develop your curriculum.  It’s been reported to cost some families almost $3,000 – but there are plenty of ways you can cut costs and work it into your budget.

Technorati Tags: homeschool, education, homeschoolers, materials, curriculum, budget

As parents who wish to raise our children consciously and with love and respect, we can’t always do what comes naturally. Our knee jerk responses to our kid’s less than stellar behavior is often a reflection of our own parents choices. While that may be a good thing, it isn’t always so. We may be choosing to parent quite differently than our own parents did. That isn’t an indictment of them any more than choosing to go breastfeed is a rejection of a mother who formula fed us. It simply means that we’ve decided to make different choices that seem right to us given our knowledge, experience and comfort level.

Parenting consciously means taking the time to think before responding. Instead of doing what everyone else does, we choose our responses and pass them through our filter. We endeavor to parent according to higher standards that may include gentleness, minimizing punishment as a discipline tool, and respect for our child’s understanding and development. And yet in the “heat of the moment”, these higher standards can easily elude us! Here are some ways we can take back control of ourselves first, so we can help our children learn self control.

1) Tame the anger beast. Standard psychological wisdom for years has claimed that letting out your anger was cathartic, therapeutic, and that “holding our feelings in” was bad for our emotional and physical health.

 You know what? That so-called wisdom turned out to be bunk! Now, science has shone light on a different truth thanks to numerous studies on the subject: That expressing anger is actually destructive to our health, that anger is harmful to close relationships, and that it becomes an almost addictive trap that we can’t escape from when we indulge in it. I use the word indulge intentionally, because when we scream at our kids or “vent” on our loved ones, we’re actually indulging our baser instincts, not our higher selves. And then we have the nerve to feel justified because they “pushed our buttons”! So it would behoove us to learn anger management strategies before we damage the relationships with those we love the most.

2) Practice, practice, practice. Have you had a day when you settled down into your pillow at night totally happy with how you treated your kids? What made that day different? Did you spend a lot of time outside? Had you had a good nights’ sleep? Did you get some exercise? Did you leave the room and give yourself a time out? Did you give yourself a break to just relax? Did you count to ten or pray for wisdom?  Take note of what you did. Actually write it down, and commit to practicing that tactic again. It’s likely one that works for you. Instead of trying to change yourself into someone else, do what works for you. Practicing that behavior again and again makes it your habit, and it will serve you well the next time you’re in the situation.

Taking charge of our parenting is a bit like taking charge of our money. Whether we set a budget to discipline ourselves or put credit cards in the freezer to make it difficult to overspend, we can also put our parenting in the area of the conscious instead of the unconscious.

Getting kids to eat more healthy foods is usually a top concern among moms today. There are so many unhealthy options available at the grocery store, at restaurants and eateries, and in the school cafeterias that it seems moms must work extra hard to make sure healthy foods don’t disappear from the menu. This becomes especially important when we take a look at some of the health problems facing young kids today that are increasingly being associated with poor diet such as juvenile diabetes, obesity, attention deficit disorders, and even plaque build-up in the arteries.

What can you do though when your kids just don’t prefer the healthier foods and vegetables in particular? Giving up and letting them eat whatever they want is not an option. It is time to get creative and here are some ideas.

The easiest way to overcome an aversion to vegetables is to hide them inside other foods so that your kids either do not know they are there or they don’t care. This subject has come under fire recently with the release of two recipe books that address this very issue. The Sneaky Chef and Deceptively Delicious are two books that provide instruction on creating vegetable purees and then inserting them within other foods so that kids still get the nutritional benefit of their vegetables while still enjoying the “taste” of their favorite foods. The purees can be used in making macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, pizza, and even brownies.

Some parents have denounced this method saying that sneaking the vegetables into the meal does not effectively teach kids the importance of eating healthfully. Other parents have decided the benefits circumvent this reasoning and do not see why healthy eating education cannot include teaching children to disguise the healthy foods they find unappealing inside the foods they do like, perhaps creating a life long habit.

For parents that do not have the time or desire to make vegetable purees it is also easy to add some leafy greens or flax seeds to a fruit smoothie for a fast and easy beverage or snack.

Invite Your Children to Participate in Meal Preparation

One of the best ways to ensure that kids are enthusiastic about their meal is have them participate in making it. When they help out with meal preparation and cooking they feel a great sense of accomplishment and that in itself makes the meal more appealing. Even younger kids can help out by measuring or mixing ingredients, finding recipes inside magazines or cookbooks, and setting the table. The excitement of making the food can only be surpassed by the excitement of actually trying it.

Give Them Time
It can take many repeated exposures to vegetables at dinner time before kids feel comfortable trying them. The key is not to pressure them and make the dinner hour one of tension. Pressuring kids to eat their vegetables can work against our ultimate goal. Just keep serving vegetables and other healthy foods with each meal and let children get used to seeing them on their plates and their parents plates and often times they will come to accept them in time. Also, remember that children mimic the actions of their parents so the next time the salad is passed to you realize that a big “I LOVE salad” can go along way.

Technorati Tags: vegetables, deceptively delicious, the sneaky chef, food, eat, children

You likely know what attachment parenting looks like for your babies and toddlers, but what happens when your “little” one isn’t so little anymore? How do you apply the principles of attachment parenting to your older child too? Do you struggle with it? Here are some ways to keep the close relationship you enjoyed with your babies strong as your kids grow. Older kids need that bond and secure attachment as well.

Physical Touch
One of the basic principles of attachment parenting is the importance of physical closeness. You kept your baby close in a sling and co-slept with him so that he or she could feel safe in the world. Now that your child is older, that physical touch can and should continue, in a way that feels comfortable for the both of you. That may include back rubs, feet massages, bear hugs and even kisses. Both of you NEED this ineraction.

Of course when your kids hit the “tween” years they may back off from a lot of physical touching, just as a toddler thrills in running away from Mommy when they want some independence. Accept your child’s limits in this area and don’t push, but try to read your child’s cues. Physical closeness with Mom is still comforting, at any age.

Gentle Discipline

You rejected spanking and harsh discipline for your children, and this doesn’t change as they get older. In fact, it may be even easier to implement natural consequences with older kids. As they mature, they have even more respect for your authority and wisdom, no matter how they may deny that to you! In fact, older children may be quite vocal in rejecting your rules, but know that as always, they want and need you to have reasonable boundaries.

In addition, the attachment you nourished with your babies will pay off in spades as they mature. Kids who feel safe not to be treated or spoken to harshly will come forward more freely when they’ve done something they’re not proud of. Be sure not to overreact if you hear something you don’t like. While kids will still make plenty of mistakes and test your limits, if you remain calm and collected, they are often willing to acknowledge “you were right Mom” in the end.

Respect For Their Needs
Just as you responded to your young baby’s cry and your toddler’s on again/off again clinginess, you will continue to show respect for your child’s needs as they change and grow. Listening to your kids and trying to find the underlying cause of their behavior (or mis-behavior!) is very important as they grow and mature.

As your child grows older, their problems will become more serious and will tug at your heart with even more ferocity. You may find yourself wishing that making them feel better was as easy as it was when they were infants. While you can’t make everything unpleasant go away (nor would you want to), you can be the safe harbor in their changing world.

Technorati Tags: attachment parenting, older kids, tweens, teens, physical touch, bond