As parents who wish to raise our children consciously and with love and respect, we can’t always do what comes naturally. Our knee jerk responses to our kid’s less than stellar behavior is often a reflection of our own parents choices. While that may be a good thing, it isn’t always so. We may be choosing to parent quite differently than our own parents did. That isn’t an indictment of them any more than choosing to go breastfeed is a rejection of a mother who formula fed us. It simply means that we’ve decided to make different choices that seem right to us given our knowledge, experience and comfort level.

Parenting consciously means taking the time to think before responding. Instead of doing what everyone else does, we choose our responses and pass them through our filter. We endeavor to parent according to higher standards that may include gentleness, minimizing punishment as a discipline tool, and respect for our child’s understanding and development. And yet in the “heat of the moment”, these higher standards can easily elude us! Here are some ways we can take back control of ourselves first, so we can help our children learn self control.

1) Tame the anger beast. Standard psychological wisdom for years has claimed that letting out your anger was cathartic, therapeutic, and that “holding our feelings in” was bad for our emotional and physical health.

 You know what? That so-called wisdom turned out to be bunk! Now, science has shone light on a different truth thanks to numerous studies on the subject: That expressing anger is actually destructive to our health, that anger is harmful to close relationships, and that it becomes an almost addictive trap that we can’t escape from when we indulge in it. I use the word indulge intentionally, because when we scream at our kids or “vent” on our loved ones, we’re actually indulging our baser instincts, not our higher selves. And then we have the nerve to feel justified because they “pushed our buttons”! So it would behoove us to learn anger management strategies before we damage the relationships with those we love the most.

2) Practice, practice, practice. Have you had a day when you settled down into your pillow at night totally happy with how you treated your kids? What made that day different? Did you spend a lot of time outside? Had you had a good nights’ sleep? Did you get some exercise? Did you leave the room and give yourself a time out? Did you give yourself a break to just relax? Did you count to ten or pray for wisdom?  Take note of what you did. Actually write it down, and commit to practicing that tactic again. It’s likely one that works for you. Instead of trying to change yourself into someone else, do what works for you. Practicing that behavior again and again makes it your habit, and it will serve you well the next time you’re in the situation.

Taking charge of our parenting is a bit like taking charge of our money. Whether we set a budget to discipline ourselves or put credit cards in the freezer to make it difficult to overspend, we can also put our parenting in the area of the conscious instead of the unconscious.

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Getting kids to eat more healthy foods is usually a top concern among moms today. There are so many unhealthy options available at the grocery store, at restaurants and eateries, and in the school cafeterias that it seems moms must work extra hard to make sure healthy foods don’t disappear from the menu. This becomes especially important when we take a look at some of the health problems facing young kids today that are increasingly being associated with poor diet such as juvenile diabetes, obesity, attention deficit disorders, and even plaque build-up in the arteries.

What can you do though when your kids just don’t prefer the healthier foods and vegetables in particular? Giving up and letting them eat whatever they want is not an option. It is time to get creative and here are some ideas.

The easiest way to overcome an aversion to vegetables is to hide them inside other foods so that your kids either do not know they are there or they don’t care. This subject has come under fire recently with the release of two recipe books that address this very issue. The Sneaky Chef and Deceptively Delicious are two books that provide instruction on creating vegetable purees and then inserting them within other foods so that kids still get the nutritional benefit of their vegetables while still enjoying the “taste” of their favorite foods. The purees can be used in making macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, pizza, and even brownies.

Some parents have denounced this method saying that sneaking the vegetables into the meal does not effectively teach kids the importance of eating healthfully. Other parents have decided the benefits circumvent this reasoning and do not see why healthy eating education cannot include teaching children to disguise the healthy foods they find unappealing inside the foods they do like, perhaps creating a life long habit.

For parents that do not have the time or desire to make vegetable purees it is also easy to add some leafy greens or flax seeds to a fruit smoothie for a fast and easy beverage or snack.

Invite Your Children to Participate in Meal Preparation

One of the best ways to ensure that kids are enthusiastic about their meal is have them participate in making it. When they help out with meal preparation and cooking they feel a great sense of accomplishment and that in itself makes the meal more appealing. Even younger kids can help out by measuring or mixing ingredients, finding recipes inside magazines or cookbooks, and setting the table. The excitement of making the food can only be surpassed by the excitement of actually trying it.

Give Them Time
It can take many repeated exposures to vegetables at dinner time before kids feel comfortable trying them. The key is not to pressure them and make the dinner hour one of tension. Pressuring kids to eat their vegetables can work against our ultimate goal. Just keep serving vegetables and other healthy foods with each meal and let children get used to seeing them on their plates and their parents plates and often times they will come to accept them in time. Also, remember that children mimic the actions of their parents so the next time the salad is passed to you realize that a big “I LOVE salad” can go along way.

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Co-sleeping, also known as the family bed is a controversial topic today, but very quickly it is gaining supporters.  Co-sleeping is exactly what it sounds like it might be, sleeping together as a family in one bed, mom, dad and children.  Parents choose to co-sleep for a variety of reasons including ease of breastfeeding, a close bond with their children, and to establish a consistent sleeping routine for themselves and their child(ren).  There are numerous other reasons as well but it is gaining popularity among parents because they are finding more and more that it works out for all family members.

There are many arguments against co-sleeping, however one could easily find fault with these arguments.  Many of the arguments address potential problems, such as not sleeping with your child if you have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol, not allowing a toddler to sleep next to an infant, and not sleeping with your child if you suffer from sleeping disorders.  These obstacles are rare or can be overcome with a little creativity or planning.

Most parents who do choose to co-sleep are very responsible adults who choose to sleep with their children to reap the many positive benefits, such as the bond it creates between a parent and a child, the positive sleep pattern it allows into their lives, the ease of breastfeeding a child in the middle of the night.  All of these things paint a wonderful picture of a positive parenting relationship between parent and child. 

Co-sleeping is a natural way of taking care of our children that our ancestors did for many years.  The mothers of children for many years even carried their children around with them throughout the day, never allowing their infant to even leave the comfort and closeness of their bodies during the daytime, much less during the night.  This begs the question, “If it’s not broke, why fix it?”  If this process worked for so many years before us, then why do we question it so quickly today? 

Co-sleeping might not work for everyone, but it is definitely something that should be considered as a positive parenting technique and as an opportunity for a restful nights sleep to be had by all.  If you do decide to co-sleep especially with an infant, there are some precautions to consider.  Do not use heavy bedding, as the infant can suffocate.  Do not allow the infant to sleep on the outer edge where falls can occur.  Investing in bed rails might be a good idea.  Make sure your mattress is on the firm side so that the surface your baby sleeps on is as level as possible. This will help everyone get a restful sleep if they are not tossed when the person next to them turns.

After taking the needed precautions and reviewing the benefits, try the co-sleeping arrangement for yourself and see how rewarding it can be for the whole family.

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Just about everyone is familiar with vaccinations. They are the routine injections given to children and adults to immunize them against a variety of diseases. Most vaccination are done when you are relatively young, staring at a couple days old and with many more being given into at various times during childhood. The idea behind a vaccine is to inject a weak or inactive form of the disease you seek to protect against so that your body will be able to quickly to attack these foreign cells and build immunity to them so that later infections will not result in illness.

Since no parent would want to see their child become sick it is not hard to see why most parents choose to vaccinate without question. The medical community largely endorses this practice as well. But is vaccination completely safe or are their risks? You may be surprised to find out that there are a number of risks involved with routine vaccination that are not widely known. As a parent though, it is vital that we evaluate both sides of the issue and the risks and decide which is the best choice for us and for our children and in some cases you may decide to join the growing number of parents that are choosing not to vaccinate their kids. Making an informed choice should be the goal for all parents.

There are four primary arguments in support of vaccinations but upon further look they start to look less convincing.

Vaccines Protect Against Disease

In some cases vaccines may certainly provide an element of protection but by and large many of the diseases children are being immunized against are fairly rare and would not likely be encountered anyway. Immunity is also not guaranteed to be effective and even if it may provide immunity for a short time it can lose its effectiveness late in life, requiring further vaccinations. Many people still get measles, rubella, diphtheria, pertussis, tetanus and other common diseases even after they have been vaccinated.

Vaccines are Responsible for the Decline in Infectious Diseases

It is often said that without vaccinations we would never have gotten a handle on disease epidemics of the past such as small pox but research clearly shows that many infectious diseases began to disappear long before vaccination came into practice. The decrease in disease had much to do with improved quality of living, better nutrition, and improved hygiene.

Vaccines are Safe

There is an alarming amount of evidence mounting that shows that vaccines are anything but safe. They contain many questionable and unhealthy ingredients such as Thimersol (Mercury), Formaldehyde, MSG, and aluminum. These ingredients and others work to actually compromise the immune system…not strengthen it. There are also numerous vaccine complications reported every year such as severe temperatures, uncontrolled screaming, seizures and convulsions, brain damage, and death. There is even data to suggest that vaccines cause neurological disorders such as epilepsy and autism and they have been heavily linked to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) as well. The VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Events Reporting System) was put in place by the Federal government to collect data about vaccine problem and injuries and in many cases you use pharmaceutical money to pay restitution.

When you take all these factors into account you may ultimately question conventional medical wisdom and decide that vaccination may be too risky in the long run.

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Probably no other topic sparks as much resignation in a parent than the topic of discipline. Parents are afraid not to discipline, or afraid to discipline too harshly. This is a good thing, as it means that modern parents are concerned with their own actions. Instead of doing things the way they’ve always been
done, we want to do one better.

However, a problem sometimes exists in the attachment parenting community. Some parents think that gentle discipline means no discipline at all, or they engage in ineffective discipline. It would be helpful to define discipline.

The word discipline comes from disciple, which has as its root the idea of teaching. Teaching is a parent’s job. We provide a framework where learning can take place by loving our children and giving them a safe place, but we also actively teach our children. Instead of being afraid of
discipline, viewing it from this paradigm opens up a new idea about discipline. Here is an example
of what I mean.

Let’s say a child has a habit of slamming doors. You find this irritating to the ears and sometimes
the slamming causes things to fall off the walls. There are a few things that a parent can do in this
situation. A parent could punish a child or yell at their child for slamming the door, but is that
effective or loving? Small chidren generally don’t know that slamming doors is a bad idea. They don’t
understand how that damages the door frame or causes the hinges to weaken. Here is where teaching
comes in.

Why not take the child by the hand, lead them to the door, and get down on their level on your
knees and explain calmly how slamming the door can damage it? Use language that the child can
understand depending on their level of comprehension, and keep it brief. Don’t lecture. Once you
explain the “why”, show the child how to close a door softly. Sell them on the benefits of doing so.
Then ask them to show you how well THEY can softly close the door by doing it for you ten times.

Children love this kind of discipline. They deeply crave to do things right and want to please
you. By taking time to teach, to discipline, you get what you want without damaging your relationship
with your child. Wouldn’t you want to be treated this way?

Technorati Tags: discipline, teach, love, children, parenting

Most anyone, whether they come from a Judeo-Christian background or not, has heard of the Golden Rule. Basically, the Golden Rule has empathy at its heart. It states that we should treat others how we want to be treated. It is a simple but positive rule of conduct that can guide us in many areas, but let’s focus on parenting for a moment.

How can a parent use the Golden Rule to deepen their relationship with their kids and be more effective in their discipline?

We can think about how we sound
We probably get in trouble with our mouths more than any other way. As the saying goes, we
write checks with our mouths that our backs can’t cash. How many times do we speak
harshly to our kids and regret that? How often do we say things we regret? And yet how do we
feel about people who talk to us that way? Do we respect and admire them? Probably, we want
to get as far as possible from people who are verbally abusive.

Remembering how we want to be spoken to, especially when we’ve goofed and made a mistake, will
serve us well in our parenting. If we’re going to err, let’s err on the side of soft spoken.
We can think about how we act
Have you ever seen an adult behave hypocritically? Perhaps you had a supervisor at work who
was the biggest gossip or slacker, yet who was quick to point out that behavior in others.
How did that make you feel?

Similarly, when our kids see us saying but not doing, we’ve wasted our breath. Kids are very good
at seeing hypocrisy. All the lecturing and punishing in the world will only backfire if we
are hypocritical with our kids.

We can think about how we treat
Do you remember the trials of childhood? Far from being idyllic, childhood can be frustrating,
difficult and even sad at times. I remember being embarrassed and frustrated when I spilled
my drink at the dinner table, and longing to grow up so I wouldn’t be so clumsy.

Remembering how it felt to be powerless, how it felt to wait on adults for what seemed like forever,
and how it felt to have to rely on adults to keep their promises can help us treat our children with
love and empathy.

One of the key components of attachment parenting is the intent to build a deep bond between parent and child that will create an atmosphere of love and unyielding trust. Most will agree in any situation that creating an atmosphere of trust would not involve hitting or physical coercion. This applies to the parent/child relationship as well, if not more so. A parent that seeks a loving attachment to his or her child should always seek to parent peacefully and consensually and this is the goal of attachment style parenting.

In decades past, spanking as a method of discipline was accepted and encouraged and when anger flares up as it has the tendency to do on occasion, spanking often becomes the quickest and easiest way to handle a situation. However, any benefit that can be had by spanking is a short term solution and the long term lessons we teach by spanking can be hard to counteract at the end of the day. Hitting models hitting, it devalues the parent and the child, it promotes anger, and it just doesn’t work long term. It is important to build upon your repertoire of positive parenting skills and tools.

Redirect

Redirecting is a technique often used by creative parents to direct energy or urges into useful activities. If your younger child is reaching for something inappropriate or something that may cause injury you can remove the inappropriate item and redirect their attention elsewhere. This can be done with an age appropriate toy, a game, a song…something that distracts them from the unwanted behavior or item and channels their urges into a more positive direction. This practice goes hand in hand with the practice of removing temptation in the first place. If you have a lovely glass figurine that you do not want your child to touch, do not leave it in a place that is accessible to them. Attached parents anticipate their children’s actions and are proactive in avoiding conflicts in the first place.

Talk to Your Child

This seems to be one of the most overlooked methods of discipline but yet the very word discipline means instruction or teaching and the most effective way to teach or instruct is to open dialogue between you and your child. Speak with them and decipher the reasons behind their behavior. What needs do they have that are not being met? Are feelings of frustration causing them to act out in less than desirable ways? There is no better way to get to the heart of the issue than to talk with your children and let them know they can trust you to not only listen to them but to see if there is an acceptable resolution for both of you so that everyone’s needs can be met. Even from an early age we should get used to using words (not hands) to diffuse situations and resolve conflict. Instead of punishing them for misbehaving, teach them what they can do differently in the future.

Give Your Child Choices

Children respond well to being included in the decision making process and will be more compliant with your wishes if they have some input. If your child is hitting a sibling you might give them the choice to either remain in the room without hitting or play alone in another room. If your child is conflicted about bed time you could offer to let them decide what their pre-bedtime readiness activity will be, either reading a book or taking a bath. Children will respond better to choices than to draconian commands.

Discipline does not have to mean conflict and angst for the whole family. If we choose to look at discipline for what it really is, an opportunity to teach and instruct, there is no reason why the process cannot be peaceful and positive for all.

Technorati Tags: attachment parenting, discipline, redirecting, choices, conflict, positive, teach, talk to your child

You likely know what attachment parenting looks like for your babies and toddlers, but what happens when your “little” one isn’t so little anymore? How do you apply the principles of attachment parenting to your older child too? Do you struggle with it? Here are some ways to keep the close relationship you enjoyed with your babies strong as your kids grow. Older kids need that bond and secure attachment as well.

Physical Touch
One of the basic principles of attachment parenting is the importance of physical closeness. You kept your baby close in a sling and co-slept with him so that he or she could feel safe in the world. Now that your child is older, that physical touch can and should continue, in a way that feels comfortable for the both of you. That may include back rubs, feet massages, bear hugs and even kisses. Both of you NEED this ineraction.

Of course when your kids hit the “tween” years they may back off from a lot of physical touching, just as a toddler thrills in running away from Mommy when they want some independence. Accept your child’s limits in this area and don’t push, but try to read your child’s cues. Physical closeness with Mom is still comforting, at any age.

Gentle Discipline

You rejected spanking and harsh discipline for your children, and this doesn’t change as they get older. In fact, it may be even easier to implement natural consequences with older kids. As they mature, they have even more respect for your authority and wisdom, no matter how they may deny that to you! In fact, older children may be quite vocal in rejecting your rules, but know that as always, they want and need you to have reasonable boundaries.

In addition, the attachment you nourished with your babies will pay off in spades as they mature. Kids who feel safe not to be treated or spoken to harshly will come forward more freely when they’ve done something they’re not proud of. Be sure not to overreact if you hear something you don’t like. While kids will still make plenty of mistakes and test your limits, if you remain calm and collected, they are often willing to acknowledge “you were right Mom” in the end.

Respect For Their Needs
Just as you responded to your young baby’s cry and your toddler’s on again/off again clinginess, you will continue to show respect for your child’s needs as they change and grow. Listening to your kids and trying to find the underlying cause of their behavior (or mis-behavior!) is very important as they grow and mature.

As your child grows older, their problems will become more serious and will tug at your heart with even more ferocity. You may find yourself wishing that making them feel better was as easy as it was when they were infants. While you can’t make everything unpleasant go away (nor would you want to), you can be the safe harbor in their changing world.

Technorati Tags: attachment parenting, older kids, tweens, teens, physical touch, bond

Attachment parenting is also known as natural parenting or instinctive parenting. Attachment parents do not follow conventional parenting guidelines and ideas. They have chosen to let their own instincts be their guide and not the conventional wisdom parents are bombarded with through mainstream media. 

There are a lot of different philosophies out there about how to raise your children.  One of more popular parenting philosophies that’s been publicized in the past few years is attachment parenting.  Many people don’t understand exactly what it is.  Attachment parenting is when the parents try to form a close, special bond with their children.  This strong relationship with their parents is said to help a child develop strong, healthy, secure relationships in the future. 

While there are many ways to develop these strong bonds with young children, Attachment Parenting International, a major proponent of this philosophy, has released a list of 8 ideals for attachment parents.  It is important to realize that these are something to strive for, not something most people can actually accomplish in their hectic lives.  The ideals they give are:

* Preparation for Childbirth.  This involves educating yourself so you can be an active participant in your pregnancy and delivery.  An active parent should take classes and strive to make important decisions early.  A mother should also try to keep stress on the baby low during pregnancy.

* Emotional Responsiveness.  This is probably the most important philosophy in attachment parenting.  It involves being aware of and fulfilling your child’s emotional needs.  It stresses comforting your baby when they cry instead of letting them “cry it out” on their own.  A parent should develop the ability to interpret and fulfill your child’s needs by spending quality time with them.

* Breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding is not only the most nutritious diet possibly for babies; it also promotes bonding between the mother and child through closeness and also hormonal reactions.  Attachment parenting encourages breastfeeding until the mother and the baby are both ready to stop.  It also advocates breastfeeding behaviors even if you’re bottle feeding your baby. 

* Baby Wearing.  Wearing your baby in a sling can have many positive benefits.  It allows your child to feel safe and secure, stimulates their neurological development, and helps stabilize their biorhythms.  It also brings a sense of closeness between the wearer and the baby. 

* Shared Sleep.  Sleeping in a bed with the parents can make a child feel safe and secure at night because their needs are being met.  If a baby has to cry for a while before a parent arrives, it can shatter their feeling of nighttime security.  With co-sleep, mom is always there to respond to needs immediately.  It also make breastfeeding easier and further strengthens that bond. 

* Avoiding long separations from your baby.  Try not to be away from your baby for too long.  This can emotionally damage a child and the bond you have with them.  If long absences are unavoidable, try to find one consistent caregiver who will treat your child as you normally would, ensuring continuity of care. 

* Positive discipline.  Attachment parenting stressed forming a strong bond with your child which helps them to trust you.  If they have this trust, you can guide them to make good choices by making them yourselves.  You should keep this trust by trying to understand and empathize with your child’s point of view. 

* Balance your family life.  This involves not only being there for your family, but also being there for yourself.  Someone who has a solid support structure and cares for themselves will be better equipped to care for their family as well.

Also, many attached moms are also sensitive to “natural” parenting methods so their particular parenting choices may also commonly involve things such as cloth diapers, “green” cleaning, organic foods, homeopathic treatments, and a no circumcision stance.

While it times it may be difficult to follow all these ideals, if you strive to reach at least some of them, you will likely have a happy, independent, and well adjusted child.

Technorati Tags: attachment parenting, breastfeed, children, positive discipline, natural parenting, babywearing, cosleeping