A child misbehaves by poking, kicking or similarly assaulting another child. The parent grabs him by the arm and slaps him for hitting that child. “Don’t Hit,” they may even yell. Hmm…what’s wrong with this scenario?

Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too.

Essentially when we talk about discipline we are talking about behavior that we would like to correct in our children.  What better way to teach our children then to model good behavior and behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate.  Hitting or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we subject children to such “behavior”? Furthermore we should only discipline in ways that make us feel good about our actions. Can you discipline in front of an audience and not feel ashamed? If not, then something is wrong.

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave will only respond to a good spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. We hear the “spare the rod” advice all to often.  As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is okay and the “rod” referred to in the Bible is not a physical rod to spank with but instead is a symbol for teaching and guiding.

One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.” Does that sound like something we want? Surely not!

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior)  do we as parents want to accept the potential long term consequences? Is it worth it?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any better ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner in which they were brought up. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child. You can break the cycle!

So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”?  A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child.  It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment.  It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue.  You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child.

More reading:

Positive Discipline

The Discipline Book

ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE

The No-Cry Discipline Solution

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Self-esteem is important throughout life, but it is in childhood when its foundation is laid.  It’s our job as parents to help our children build self-esteem.  We may do and say things that are bad for our kids’ self-esteem without even realizing it, so it is important to make a conscious effort to help them develop and maintain a positive opinion about themselves.

Listening to Your Child

One thing that parents often overlook is the fact that children need us to listen to what they have to say.  When we don’t, they feel unworthy of our attention.  And that can put a damper on their self-esteem.

Making it a point to listen fully to what your child has to say will let him know that you value his stories and opinions.  Sometimes we just don’t have the time to listen at the very moment they want to talk, but it’s important to let them know that it’s not because we don’t want to.  Set a time to sit down and talk if necessary, and stick with it.

When Your Child Misbehaves

When children are misbehaving, it is easy to forget about keeping their self-esteem intact.  But it is very important to make the distinction between bad behavior and a bad child.

By describing the specific behavior as bad rather than telling your child that he himself is bad, you can let him know that it is not him as a person that you disapprove of.  It is his actions.  Children who feel that their parents disapprove of them are not only more likely to develop low self-esteem, they also tend to misbehave more.

Give the Right Kinds of Compliments

Complementing your child when he does well is important, because it reinforces both self-esteem and good behavior.  But even complements can sometimes do damage.  Backhanded complements do nothing but cause hurt feelings.  Try to refrain from alluding to negative things your child has done when giving complements.  You can accomplish much more by keeping praise completely positive.

It’s also important not to overdo the praise.  While it is great to recognize the good things your child does, it is possible to put too much pressure on him.  Being specific with your praise, such as telling your child you are proud of him for bringing his math grade up from a C to an A, accomplishes more than telling him that he is the smartest kid in the class or the world.

It is important to start building a child’s self-esteem at a young age.  Doing so will encourage him to be the best that he can be and to resist peer pressure.  By listening to our children and keeping their self-esteem in mind at all times, we can raise them to be happy, confident people.

During warmer months it is easy to send kids outdoors for some fun in the sun and fresh air. Bike riding, tree climbing, soccer, hopscotch, and dozens of other outdoor activities provide children with hours upon hours of creative play that is healthy for their bodies and mind. Less than favorable weather such as rain and extreme cold may present a problem at times though and moms need to get creative in helping their kids to find productive play activities. In an age where video games and TV can easily become too important in a child’s life, many parents are reluctant to encourage these things. Luckily there are many alternatives for parents that want to stress productive and creative play.

Help Them Make Believe

Pretend play is particularly important for a young child’s development. It helps them to develop their critical thinking and communication abilities. The great outdoors provides a grand stage for this type of play but parents can facilitate make believe any time with just a few clever props. A box of costumes can create hours of pretend play fun as your kids pretend they are pirates, fairies, knights, or even characters from their favorite movies and books. Homemade forts also provide an excellent opportunity for kids to imagine they are playing in a log cabin, a castle, or a tent. A simple sheet draped over a table can provide hours of fun and creative play.

Creative Toys

Instead of toys with lights, sounds, and movement give your children some basic toys that they can use to build and create. Legos and wooden blocks are usually very popular among kids as they can spend hours creating virtually anything they can come up with. Take some pictures of their creations and help them create a photo journal to record all of their inventions and accomplishments as mini architects.

Play kitchens and play food can also provide hours of creative play as kids pretend to cook their favorite meals and serve their family. Even an item as simple as a playsilk can be used as a flag, as part of a costume, as a sail on a boat, or a doll sling or hammock. Give them the raw materials and watch them create!

Books for Homegrown Adventure

For younger and older kids it is great fun to read a book aloud and ask them to re-enact it in a play or with puppets. They can build the set, create the costumes, and then act out the part of their favorite character. If you have a video camera handy you or an older child can record these performances to let them view later and to create memories that the whole family will treasure for years.

For children that insist on TV time perhaps you can strike a deal asking them to select a movie that originated from a book and then after they read it you can all watch the movie together and discuss how the book and movie compared.
These are just a few of the ways that parents can encourage creative and productive play and leisure within their children.